Parenting tips from someone who has no intention of ever being a parent, part 1

Even though I have no intention of raising children, I bet I could make a damn good parent. Or at least a damn good parental councilor. Or a good "Uncle Drunky." Either way, here's my advice for parents/aspiring parents. I thought up a whole bunch of these, but it's pretty dense, so I've divided them into parts. Here's part 1

SUPER AWESOME PARENT TIPS GOOD TIME OKAY!!!!

Don't hit your kids-

For real yo, it doesn't work. Think about the message you're sending them: “Violence is bad, what you did is bad, and in order to stop you from being bad, I'm going to get violent.”

I'm tired of hearing this argument from parents who hit their kids. “My parents hit me and I turned out just fine.”

Yeah, just fine, except for your crippling lack of self esteem, extremely short temper and borderline alcoholic tendencies. Your parents thought hitting you was a good idea? Well your parents were wrong about a lot of things. They probably thought only gays and blacks could get AIDS, and look how that theory turned out. Even worse, your parents probably listened to either disco or the Sex Pistols. Marinate on that before coming back and telling me your folks were always right.

Want proof of the fact that beating your kids doesn't help? How about every single informed, relevant opinion? Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on the matter, but all it takes is a grade 11 sociology course and a few wikipedia pages to come to the conclusion that virtually everyone who is or was since the mid 80's thinks hitting your kids is a bad idea.

“But what makes these so-called 'experts' think they can raise my children better than I can?”

Hmm, let me think... like 10 years at a prestigious university, plus 20-30 years in the field working with kids, conducting studies and reading medical literature? What do you have on that? Mother's intuition? A 5 minute segment you saw on FOX News where Bill O'Reilly screamed ideological bullshit while some poor fool mentally kicked himself in the ass for thinking he would be able to participate in a rational debate?

Get over yourself. If you think hitting your kids is a good idea, you're wrong. And if you think that disagreeing with the experts makes you a good ol' fashioned, red blooded American, then you're a good ol' fashioned moron.

Don't buy your kid useless, expensive shit-

Listen, don't buy your kid a “smartphone,” or a “tablet,” or any other buzz word Steve Jobbs uses to sell you overpriced garbage. I'm at the age now where some could argue I would need a phone with a browser, an extensive contact list, mp3 capability, a day planner, a GPS system etc. But I don't have one. Why? Because all that shit's just as completely unnessecary as it was two years ago, and I can think of way cooler things to spend $700 bucks on. As for a “tablet,” don't even get me started, I'd need a whole other page for that.

I remember back in Grade 6 when cellphones were becoming economically feasable for practically everyone to own. Phones like the Motorola Razor were on the market for like $150-200, and kids in my class were getting them for Christmas. I remember thinking then “what the hell is wrong with these people? What possible use could a Grade 6 have for a $200 phone?” Like fuck, these kids had four contacts on the thing.

Nowadays, the stakes are much higher. “Cool” phones don't run 200 bucks anymore-- as of right now the iPhone 4 is listed for $659 on Apple's Canadian website. That's a pretty hefty investment, especially when you factor in what the kid's gonna be using it for- texting the five people that actually give a shit about him, listening to three of the 59 songs on his iTunes library repeatedly, masturbating on the internet, and playing with apps that make farting noises.

And you know that as soon as Apple or RIM shits out a new piece of “modern technilogical wonder” some dad with more money than brains is gonna buy it for his kid. Then your offspring are gonna come home and bitch about how “Billy Johnson's dad bought him an Android 546XSP-3GR-2D2, he's way cooler than you.” Don't fall for that shit, stand strong. There are two very legitimate reasons your kid shouldn't be allowed to have the latest high tech gear.

1. You're going to turn your kid into a materialistic drone. Seriously, buying your kid all that stuff only gets the notion in their head that in order to be cool (which is the only thing on the planet that matters, thereby justifying their entire existence), they have to own the newest, most expensive piece of technology out there. Your kid might bitch now, but believe me, she'll thank you later when she's not part of the hive mind and only has moderate credit card debt due to the fact that her liberal arts degree can't get her a job anywhere but at the bank.

2. Your kid's gonna get jacked. When I was in Grade 2, some dickweed stole my Krazy Bones. When I was in Grade 3, another asshole stole my Pokemon cards. When I was in Grade 4, I didn't buy anything because my parents were tired of my shit getting jacked, and Digimon was gay. Now, not only is your kid a target for schoolyard bullies, he's also an easy target for legitimate criminals.

Lets say you buy your kid the basic, cheapest set of Apple shwag, The iPod 3GS, the 16 GB iPad and the 8 GB Nano (when people buy all three of these it makes my blood boil, because the iPhone performs the same functions as the others and more. Like FUCK! Get off Steve Jobb's dick). Your five foot even, 100 pound kid is walking around with $1,120 CDN worth of technology. Kids like to flaunt that stuff too. Chances are they're gonna be walking home with their headphones in, playing with their iPads, and if some asshole sees them, it's not gonna be hard to wrestle that from his weak little hands. And if there's nobody else there with him, it's not gonna be that much harder to pump him for all he's worth, which is practically two months rent. In fact... I'll be right back...

Anywho, even if your kid manages to be smart and not get robbed, there's a good chance he'll lose whatever you buy him. Looking back to Grade 6, I lost virtually everything I owned. Pencils, clothing, money, homework, my anal virginity (kidding). Seriously, I'm 20, and just the other day I lost my fucking pants at a party with my phone, my wallet, my iPod and like five bucks in it. I'd put everything I lost at about $305 tops. I payed for all of it myself, I'm gonna have to pay a FUCKTON to replace it, and my parents are probably furious anyways. Imagine how pissed you're gonna be when your 11-year-old loses his $700 “tablet” that you had to postpone your “parent's only weekend” to buy for him.

A good parent wouldn't put that kind of investment in their kid, no matter how badly they whine. If you have a grand to blow, why not take your kid on a vacation or something that they'll actually remember in six months when everyone else realizes how much money they wasted on the iPad (or whatever the Motorola version of it's called)? Seriously, take your kid to the zoo and the ball game-- get bitchin' seats and steak for dinner. That way your kid will have something to look back on with fond memories, not just something he's gonna pawn off for a half-quarter of shwag weed in three years.

So there you have it, parenting tips from someone who has no intention of ever raising kids. I have more interesting parenting tips for y'ass, but I've got better stuff to do right now. Peace.