The column I'm not supposed to write

Since the editors of the paper wouldn't take my column pitch, here it is. And even better, I don't have to tone it down like I thought I would.


Odour blocking action, twice the cleaning power, new disposable swivle head, blah blah blah blah. I'm sick and tired of hearing companies heave a massive steaming pile on me every time i turn on the tv or tune in to the radio. they all hype their product up as a "revolution in ____ technology" when really, all they're doing is pissing away their money into cheap gimmicks to get us to buy more. On behalf of the human race, I refuse to take any more. I'm not too worried about the fear mongering and encouragement of moral and environmental degradation brought into our sick, materialistic society... i'm just sick of hearing about your "latest home fragrance breakthrough."

Toothbrush companies seem to have the mouth runoff down pat. It seems like they're always coming up with some sort of new "spinning pulse head" that "gives you the dentist clean feeling every day". Spinning pulse head? Are you sure this isn't supposed to go somewhere other than your mouth? And who wants the dentist clean feeling every day? Does anyone actually enjoy going to the dentist? "Oh yes, now my gums can be sore and my mouth can taste like rubber and synthetic 'bubblegum' 3 times a day! How did i ever live without this?" News flash, the only reason i brush my teeth 4 times a day is so i don't have to go to the dentist. Why would i ever want to feel that pain multiple times a day?

The home pregnancy test industry is also pretty bad for this verbal diharrhea. "Our test calculates tempuratures and works with your cycle to predict accurate results 4 days before the ___ period". Okay, cool, is she pregnant or not? Take it from me, when one is involved in such a situation, one isn't really concerned about "thermal body temperatures" or the "dawning of the age of ovarius"; the only thing one wants to know is; blue or red? And have you seen the home pregnancy test that smiles at you when you're pregnant? What kind of sick freak designed that shit? You may call it a "breakthrough in home pregnancy", I call it "adding insult to injury."

Another thing that bothers me is these products that change colour or make noise to tell you something that anyone capable of rational thought could easily figure out for themselves. Like the razor that turns from blue to white when it "may be time to change your blade for a closer shave". Are you insinuating that the handsome, rugged man in your commercial has the ability to obtain his neurosurgery degree, score the winning goal for his beer-league championship, make enough bank to afford a wicked mansion, and bag the hot supermodel of a wife you and i couldn't even talk to, but doesn't posses the ability to tell when his razor isn't doing a good job shaving his face? If you can't tell when your razor has shat out on you, it might be time to switch to an electric... I don't think we can trust you with sharp stuff so close to your jugular.

The worst is the beer company (who shall remain nameless) with the label that turns blue when your beer is "cold certified." Now with an extra strip to "let you know when your beer is as cold as the Rockies". Have you ever been to the Rockies? I have, it's pretty fucking cold. If your beer got as cold as the Rockies, you'd probably be scraping it off your pizza pockets while cursing your idiot roommate for leaving the can in the freezer too long.

The whole idea of letting me know if my beer is cold enough is useless anyways. See, I have this "latest breakthrough in limb technology", we call it the hand. I just put my "hand" up to any beer (or anything else i may need to check for suitable tempurature) and the sensors in my brain tell me if my beer is "cold certified". And if it's not, i just look for a colder one. Or buck up and drink it anyways. And when your beer doesn't make me as attractive to the ladies as the commercials would have me believe...

I'll just let you piece that one together yourself.